In memoriam

I got up early today and ran the sunrise. I ran through the silence on the streets on a holiday morning, taking with me only the memories of my friend. I remembered his sacrifice. I remembered his choice. I acknowledged my ability to run these streets freely. I do not have to cover my face; I do not have to be afraid. I do not have to ask for permission.

I do get to feel the breeze on my skin and the wind in my hair. My children can choose their futures; I can choose mine. From the route I run, to the place I live, to the people in my life, I am free to choose and free to live.

I ran past the memorial, stopped for a few minutes to stand by his name. All I could do was stand by his name... I couldn't hug him, talk to him; I couldn't lean on him to feel better.

 I couldn't be with him, but I could keep him with me.

I walked back to the street and returned to my day, the brilliant sunrise of another day given to me through their sacrifices. I ran the route back home, enjoying the noise as the rest of my neighbors began their days... a day of endless opportunities.

Thank you John, for everything. I love you forever.

In memoriam,
Beth

Yes, I did inhale.

Life is not about the breathes we take, but the moments we get the shit kicked out of us and keep breathing anyway.

In haling,
Beth

Decisions.

I get to see the sunrise and set everyday. Most of these days I'm running, when it comes up and then again when it goes down. And I can't decide which is more beautiful... I just know that as I walk through the day, no matter what pulls me down, I have peace when my head hits the pillow.

I can do this.

In the sun,
Beth

When the rain comes...

This evening I took my kids for a run in the rain. The sky was bright orange and the rain was cold against the heat of the day. We took off towards the sunset in a downpour, giggling the whole way. My youngest lead the pack with his six year old energy at an all time high. The twelve year old followed behind, worrying the little one would get too close to the street. I watched from a little ways back as they discovered the amazement of the moment all on their own. They splashed and ran and wiped the raindrops from their eyes. The sunset was perfect with the steam rising from the streets in the glow. It was one of those nights you only get a few times in your life. By the end of the run, we had all stripped down to bear feet and ran through the puddles. Shoes in hand, we walked the slippery hill back home in the dark. Feeling our way through, and holding hands when we needed a little safety net, we finished the two miles soaking wet and muddy but with bright smiles gleaming in the porch light.

I took advantage of the opportunity to teach my kids that nothing is more beautiful than the world around you. I want them to remember that there isn't a TV show, or video game, or self pity moment that is big enough to drown out the beauty of this life. I want them to know that the storms can be a wonderful thing. It isn't only sunshine that brings moments worth remembering. The rain can challenge you, the storms can scare you, but never be afraid to run through it. Open your eyes, breathe in that sweet air, and take a step out into the downpour. Run in it, feel all those emotions life hands you and keep moving forward.

There is nothing more beautiful than a run in the rain on a hot summer night.
Nothing is bigger than that.

In the glow,
Beth

Beauty is a beast

I do not see beauty in the same way others do. I don't have a politically correct view of everything as you may have noticed, and I don't feel everyone is beautiful just because God made them. Fate didn't deal you a good or bad hand and no prior life caused you to do look or behave in any manner in this life. The models on magazine are not what we should measure against, nor are the hookers on TV. Nope. There are ugly people in this world and too many of them fill our heads with ugliness. Now don't get me wrong, our midwest bellies and fat bulges are not beautiful either. Hygiene and health do factor in, but they don't define actual beauty. Sitting in your car at a stop light shoveling in food is not beauty. Starving yourself is not beauty. Smoking is not beautiful and mysterious, it is repulsive.  We've established my lack of filter, so if that offends you, well, you can figure you're probably on that ugly list. And it is just my opinion, although I'm right.

I have paid attention, close attention, to what it is that turns me off. I started keeping track of what makes me notice the lack of beauty in someone. And I notice every undercut chin, unshaven eyebrow, large ears, overweight, underweight... well, you get the point. I am an extremely sharp visual person. But it isn't the physical attributes that make people ugly necessarily, and it's not their personality faults either.

I only see beauty in strength. Someone that is strong, physically and emotionally, is beautiful. And beauty is something we should strive for and desire. You should not feel ashamed for wanting to be beautiful. Being beautiful does not make you vein, it makes you strong. Beauty isn't something you can claim for yourself to make you feel better. It isn't something you can take away from someone else to limit their threat to you or a relationship you aren't strong in. When there is strength in courage, confidence, love, happiness, there is beauty. Where there is strength in endurance, determination, motivation, sweat, and tears, there is beauty.

If you show your strength, you are beautiful to me...

Beauty is earned, and just as all things worth having, it isn't easy.

Earn it.

In the mirror,
Beth

Stand

What is it that dies within us and makes us stop standing up for who we are? Is it so much rejection in the real world that we have to start rejecting ourselves? I see beautiful, strong, amazing people that apologize for everything they do. Excuses for why they aren't perfect. Putting down everything they do before others can. Do you do this? Do I? Absolutely unacceptable. I know I did this, and I know what put me in that mode. Only I found a way out and up from that dark hole; and I will never hide in it again.

I worked for a company that drug me through the mud, and continues to do so. So much so that I seriously will consider not posting this for hours. You may not even read it because I have been afraid for so long. But screw that. I didn't do anything wrong. I did nothing even remotely questionable. They hated me because I wouldn't risk my morals, my integrity, and other horrible reasons. I left three years ago. I resigned after they tried to fire me multiple times. Eventually they simply scared me off. I caved, I gave up. I never gave them what they wanted, but I did realize it wasn't worth my life. I truly believe the stress, or the crazy people, would kill me. They even threatened to do so. And somewhere in the process of all that chaos I started doubting myself. I wasn't as good anymore. My confidence was shaken. My desire was gone. I no longer lived after that, I just existed. I let myself go. I hid under layers of pain. But baby no more! I've come back somehow. I'm here. I've moved forward and even now, when they've done pissed me off again, I will not hide. This time I am confident. I know who I am. I am strong and ready to fight. I am right. I did it right. I deserved nothing they put on me. I am coming back at them full speed ahead. I run, now, have you heard? Only I no longer run away, from anything or anyone. My strength never falters. Bring it.

In the right,
Beth

Taking the long road

I see where I'm heading and I think I like it.

Change is good. Perseverance is better.

In the long haul,

Beth