Friday, December 31, 2010

The long goodbye

I woke up early today... there was a lot to do before my final farewell to this year's quest.

I began the day by running with a friend, who challenged me to be better than my best this year and proved to me that anyone can overcome, anyone can survive, and thrive if they choose. It turned out to be the perfect start to this special day. I see where my quest has brought me personally, and brought others too. And that is a gift I never expected.

I immediately took to the streets after my early jog to do my strongest run. I ran eight miles, full speed, no timer, no gear, just me. I ran a mile for each week of chemo I endured and in doing so, I took back what was mine. My feet flew through the winds and rain, and I never noticed the difference. I just kept on my way, as life tends to do. I made it home winded, drenched, and worn for the wear, but I made it home.

The rest of today I have spent reviewing my progress, my weaknesses and my strengths. In this year I fixed a marriage I was too busy to know was breaking. I closed the doors to one time dream that weighed me down. I found my heart, forgave myself, let go, and moved on.  I ran 684 miles this year. I went on a quest and found the end, only to realize it is the beginning.

I am here, I am whole, and I endure. And I can simply say, I have everything.

Here's to tomorrow.

In complete,


Wednesday, December 29, 2010


Have you ever actually paid attention to how we are directed to be less active, eat terribly, and become an overweight nation? In the last ten minutes, I have seen nine ads for food on TV. Not one of those ads were for healthy food. Six ads were for fast food, showing nutritionally void, high calorie, high fat foods: a chili cheese extra long hot dog, a family eating double cheeseburgers and fries, a talking hat pushing double chocolate milkshakes,  a "healthy" sandwich shop's cheese covered meatball sub, a big bucket of fried chicken, and finally a large stuffed crust three topping (all meat) pizza.

Of the other three, one showed a large family sitting down at a restaurant sharing pasta and breadsticks, then pans to a close up of the deep fried meat on layers of noodles, as a white cream sauce drenches the entire plate. Another showed cans of soup, promoting their low calorie and low fat benefits. I went ahead and looked up the nutritional facts of the soup shown on the ad... one half of the can, which is the size of my hand, is one serving. In that one serving there is over three times the daily recommended amount of sodium. On the ingredient list for this fresh soup, there are double the number of chemical compounds compared to vegetables. And to top it all off, it's second listed ingredient, right after beef broth, is high fructose corn syrup. The final ad showed something entirely different, a weight loss company that delvers food to your door. There isn't room in this blog to even go there....

So why is it this way? I know, but do you? Have you thought about it?

I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the endless, mindless circle of overeating, under educating, increased laziness of who we've become, as an entire nation. We eat ourselves sick, drug ourselves well, and repeat the process until we've killed everything that is alive about this life. Kids grow up eating the shit served to them at school, and at home... scratch that, in their car.  They want junk because we allow it. They choose to lay around because we let them. The overeat, under nourish, under develop and over stimulate because that is the example we have set.

Every time I check out at the store, I send a message. Every time I turn off the TV, I send a message. Every time I speak up and speak out in front of my kids, I send a message. Every pound I lose, everyday I get up, every time I sweat, I send a message.

Join me.

Change this.


Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Winter morning

There is little in this life that will ever compare to the beauty of a winter morning run. It's the few rare days where the world stays sleeping a little longer, and the sun isn't needed for a glorious morning sky. In these mornings, I find dark pathways alive with the festive lights and their reflection in the patches of snow. The eerie sound of silence is no longer alarming, but peaceful as the morning wrestles in. The streets are empty; the roads are clear. It's the one time of year that I thrive without the music pushing me on. This sweaty quest warms me as I run, and the harder I push the better it feels...

After 6 miles this morning, I remember how it feels to be alive. I got to stand in my children's doorway and watch them sleep. I got to come home to my husband who didn't hurry off to work. I got to enjoy an hour of peaceful existence... and I recognize the moment.

I know this sweaty quest has taken me down more winding roads than ever could have imagined. But I've found what I was looking for, and I keep looking everyday so it never again becomes lost.

In love,

Sunday, December 19, 2010

The *itch is back!

I'm back and if you've been sitting on your ass this whole time, you better slouch down a little lower to make certain I can't find you. You don't need me to get you out the door, do it your damn self. I am not your excuse; I'm not even my own. I have no empathy, born without it... hide people. Truly, hide.

Today, I did with full resistance the treadclimber for 30 minutes at my 100% mhr. Everyday I focused on today and how great it would feel to come back. I may have been knocked down and buried deep; I never gave up. I never looked for an excuse. And most importantly, once again, I showed up.

So get up. Suck it up. Suck it in and move forward. Your limits are just that, yours... yours to create and yours to destroy. Tomorrow I'll do more. Everyday I'll do more because this IS life.

Your excuse just officially got slammed. Set your alarm.

In sweat,


Thursday, December 16, 2010


Tomorrow is the last treatment. Today is my birthday. Yesterday was my record breaking cardio since starting treatement.

This is my 33rd year. I have a new goal.

In spired,

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Dog Days

I am up. I am on my feet. Two days after treatment and I actually feel... well, good! Hit an awesome run this morning, feeling like Rocky running up the stairs. And the crowd cheers...

It's almost done; this is nearly over. Just two more treatments, then back to health, work, and running everyday! I miss this so much. I miss feeling good. It is such a simple gift, that never gets appreciated. That winter cold is not worth whining about, neither is your headache. Good enough should be considered great. Perspective people. Simple perspective.

I've been miserable for the last six weeks. I've hated, I've  pitied, I've even died a little, but am so lucky to find more life at the end once again. That misery can eat your soul. I'm strong enough to have survived it, to dig out from that living grave. And I'm smart enough to appreciate it, and let it go.

 As for the next two Fridays, I will feel good enough. And for today, let's just call it great.

The dog days are over, the dog days are done...

In daylight,

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sharp roots

It's been hard to lift my fingers to a keyboard, to put words into a sentence, or even just have a simple coherent thought. I have, for just a moment, found a short glimpse of myself. As I am waiting for my next treatment, which thankfully is the first of the final four, I find a million coherent thoughts running through my weakened mind and my fingers are shaking trying to keep on task here. I have not been able to run, but on most days have beeb able to take a short walk. This morning I decided to go for a brief run in the cold just to own my own existence again, even if for just a minute. I ran about 2 miles on sheer will, and a final mile on the deep, sharp roots of anger. I wasn't fast, but I was there. I made it home only to crawl to the stairs for a good cry against the spindles... and my breathe became mine again.

In haling,