Wednesday, September 29, 2010

The Amazing Race

My original goal for this journey was to run a 5k every weekend this year, either in a race or on my own. Well, I have met that goal so far, and even blown it out of the water. I run a minimum 5k distance at least five days a week. That is something I wasn't expecting. The other goal was to write on this blog everyday during this journey and share my triumphs and struggles. Well, as we all know, that goal has only been partially met. I have written, everyday, even on those days that said vacation or sick, and on the days where nothing appears, especially lately. The days of silence are not because I've been slacking, or even uninspired. I have learned on this journey that some things are just for me. I have my own growing to do too and all of my struggles don't belong to the world. It is okay to carry a few on my own.  But I still write, and maybe some of them will be shared. As writing, and reading, is simply a way for people to feel less alone.

However, this past week has been hard for me to write. I am so overwhelmed by the training schedule that my first thoughts are to post "Don't ever, ever want to do a marathon or train for one". Yes, I have written this title many times this week. And subsequently erased it. I find myself completely torn between the added stress of the schedule looming ahead and the joy of pushing myself to accomplish such a feat. It is amazing to be in the moment of a long run and feel that exhaustion start to set in, only to realize you have to double this in a few more weeks. Yes, amazing is the world. A word defined as to overwhelm with surprise or sudden wonder. A word with synonyms such as astound, stun, and dumfound. Yes, dumfound is also the word.

It amazes me that I have chosen this journey. It amazes me how much love I have found along the way. And it amazes me that I am still standing, stronger than ever, and still wanting more.

In the amazing race,

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Do good work

Do good work.

That always follows me throughout each day. In my run, in raising my kids, in being a wife, in writing, in training, it whispers in the back of my mind. Do good work. It is simple. It is precise. It is complete.

I run farther than ever before. I am a better Mom, a more loving wife, an employed writer, and a motivating trainer. I remember this every time that whisper changes, every time it pushes me out the door and onto the street. I remember that doing good work has given me a great life. And when it suffers a little to do the good, it makes the reward even sweeter.

In happiness,

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Marathon baby

I'm running a marathon in a little over ten weeks. Amazing how far this journey has brought me, and how much farther I will go. I have found myself on the roads of my town and now it's time to discover what else  can be discovered on the road to Vegas.

In training,

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


Negativity has no place in your life. You do not fail by being overweight. You do not fail by missing your goal. You fail only if you fail to change the attitude that got you there. You will succeed once you understand your successes.

Yep. That is all.

In happiness,

Monday, September 20, 2010


As I ran up the middle of the street on that long hill, all I could think about was how incredibly free I am. Right at that moment, in the dark early morning hours, nothing binds me, nothing controls me, and nothing needs me. I am all at once able to be one simple breath, one simple quiet step that no one hears. My thoughts are my own; my direction is my own; where I've been, and where I am going, matters only to me.

I am free.

In happiness,

Friday, September 17, 2010

Hollowed Grace

4:30 am start. 13 miles. Pace training and speed drills.

Then my day began, which in itself was a workout. It is nearly 9 pm and this is the first time I have sat, and had peace. The pain in my legs has numbed as I passed the fatigue level and have moved on to hollowness.

Nothing hurts now, nothing is even sore. I am just outside myself looking in, so feeling would be impossible. I am sure when I do feel again, I'll be proud of my day. Despite reaching a level of exhaustion that consumes your entire body and leaves you empty to your core, I did accomplish happiness before this extreme. At this moment, I think I've been enlightened, understanding that this lack of emotion is the peace in life. The happiness before the crash, the crash before the peace. The exhaustion of all that you are, rewarded by transcendent rest.

Again I find the run reflecting life, teaching what I never knew I'd needed to learn. Again, I am thankful for the gift. I am appreciative of the grace.

In peace,


Thursday, September 16, 2010


I was a little bit inspired today before my run. For some reason, I decided to run to Sarah Brightman. Yes, run to opera music. Un-freakin-believable!

I did this run in the middle of the afternoon. The sun was shining, a cold front had blown through and the light wind was keeping me comfortable as I floated through the town. The kids were playing at recess and their laughter was barely seeping into the songs. I could nearly touch the memories of my life. This was the easiest run of my life, as if it were a gift to me for all my struggles. The weight I have lost didn't just come from my waistline. I am happy. My life is a good life. My struggles can't stop me. I can fly.

Nope. No drugs. Just a runner.

In flight,

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Bad Idea

I actually ran and kickboxed my way into exhaustion. My enlightened thought today is to not run and kickbox in the same day.

Oh yeah, and I went completely vegan a few weeks ago. Best choice I've made all year. My body is alive from this change! Down to my core is just... well, awake!

Love it!

In rest,

Monday, September 13, 2010

It Ain't Easy Being Green

The freshness of a fall morning just fills your spirit. The same morning sunrise comes later and later, and I have more time in my run to feel wrapped in stars. Don't be jealous of this feeling, just get up and find out for yourself. You can, you have time, and you are able.

It is easy to put this off. It is easy to hit the snooze. It's easy to just hit the shower and get on with the day. It's easy to think about it, even talk about it. It's easy to miss day, or two, or three weeks. It's easy to find excuses...

Is there anything easy in your life that has ever made a difference? Is there anything easy that was worth having?

I personally prefer a challenge.

In love,

Friday, September 10, 2010

The Lightening Thief

Why must it rain with lightening? Why not just the rain? We're already wet, worn down and bare skinned. It seems as if the pain of the cold rain on hot skin just isn't enough to test our resolve. There always has to be more. The rain is beautiful alone. It is challenging and invigorating. It brings us to life. The lightening, on the other hand, is just too shocking, too jolting, too much.  It frightens every inch of us...

 We can navigate the rain. The lightening is what kills us... yet we have to keep going.

In side,

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I'll go first.

With everything going on in the world right now, especially regarding religion, I couldn't help but focus on it today in my run. Running is a very spiritual event, whether you're praying for world peace or for lightening to strike you down in the pain of those last miles, it's a simple, spiritual event.

Deep into thought, I cannot help but wonder when it was that man became God. When did man become the judge, the creator, the leader, and the all? I must have missed that day, skipping church again I guess.

I don't know much about the world. I haven't traveled the globe or even studied it much. I'm one of those people that lives where they're born forever, with family and friends I've never known life without. But, in my tiny space on this earth, I know for certain a few simple things. I know the world is round. I know the sky is above me and a hardened earth is at my feet. That the sun shines on each of us;  the stars dance for any of us that slow our gait to see. I know the air I breathe is shared, freely, with people of all races, colors, ethnicities, and religions.

 I know that there is a difference between race, color, ethnicity and religions. And I know that right and wrong was long ago confused with self-efficacy.

In my space of peace, my space where exhausted legs rhythmically pound the pavement of roads less traveled, I understand. I simply feel.

Empathy, acceptance, and grace abide out here. I do not know who provides this calming grace; I do not know where it comes from.  I do know that it exists within me and I am better for it. I am more humane from it.

What else I don't know is which man-written, man-edited, man-created religious book is correct, or if they all are in the simplest way. I do know that religion, in it's foundation, no matter which one is taught or learned, exists in it's simplest terms to make the most people feel less alone.

Can we be any farther from that purpose, that common thread of acceptance? Someone has to be forgiving. Someone has to be honorable, accepting, and loving. Someone has to make a path of forgiveness that truly does what is so hard. Until we find grace enough to lead without judgement, without hate, without motive beyond peace, this will never end.

I am just one person, one American, one runner. I am not the views of the few, nor the masses. I am just a person that loves you, whatever you believe. I believe in you no matter what you love. I respect your freedom, your religious beliefs, your history and your future. I do this regardless of your thoughts of me. I do this regardless of your choices. It is not always easy, and it is not always fair. I choose to believe in what is innately right. And I may be alone in that, as alone as I am on this road... but wouldn't it be nice if we all were to err on that side.

I'll go first.

In front,

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


I ran.

I survived!

The spirit is so much stronger than the body. It's all in what you think you can do.

Go get it done. Go run. Go be whatever it is you want to be. Quit finding excuses, quit bitching, and go do it. Yes, you.

Suck it Doc! I'm alive and running.

In health,

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I feel better. I will run tomorrow morning. 

If it kills me, well.... it won't. 

In determination,


Monday, September 6, 2010


Less sick.. might be back tomorrow!

In recovery,

Friday, September 3, 2010

Sick people suck

I'll trade. Give me the pain of the final hill. Give me heat, humidity, blisters, take a toenail...

Anything but this miserable virus. I can function, but I can't LIVE... I hate sick people. Really. And when I'm sick, stay out of my way... I can fight cancer, but I'm losing terribly to this cold. I know how to fix it:

Let me run! Let me run! Let me run!

In protest,


Thursday, September 2, 2010

Big Enough

I have the drive. I have the desire. I don't have the health. I've been banned from the road for a few days. My maintenance drugs aren't as affective in fighting when I get a cold... and apparently my cold loves the weakened immune system and is headed straight for my lungs. So my Doctor has set some non-negotiable rules for the next few days. I'll play nice and follow the rules, for now.

I just ask this of you. Go for a run for me. You have the ability to go out there, step onto that asphalt and find who you are.... feel that wind beneath your feet, the crisp fall air in your lungs. Start a new addiction. Feel what it is to be alive. Step outside of your glass shelters and exist in the moment. Appreciate your health and feed it, fuel it. Is there really an excuse big enough to keep you from this? Is there any excuse big enough to waste the gift?

In recovery,

Happy Birthday, late as always

So my writing has been a little stalled the last few days... I have a problem with too much emotion shutting down my brain. John's birthday just passed and it fills my thoughts so completely that it's hard to find one to focus on...

Somewhere in that space between awake and dreaming, last night, we went for a run. I had a good talk and learned a little more about myself from it. When I woke to go for my run in reality, I was torn to stay in my dream and have more time with my friend, or step out into the empty morning, standing on my own two feet.

I kept his memory with me and focused on how proud he would be of me... standing on my own, happy. And when I started to miss him, I started to cry. And when it hurt to bad to cry and run... I stopped crying. I kept going. I kept running through every obstacle, every distraction, and every pain. One thing I know for certain, is that John taught me how to do that many years ago... and that it changed my life.

I will never find a friend that could replace him. I could never find another friend that loved as unconditionally, or gave of themselves so freely. A friend that continues to move me, and change me, even after he's gone. Finding someone to believe in you that much....well, it simply defines you.

In spired,