Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My addiction

My addiction saves my life.

I look through the vacant space that used to be. It used to be where I held my dreams. It used to be where I existed, everyday, every night. It used to be where my future lied. It used to be everything.

I look through the vacant sky and see what used to be. I miss what used to be, who used to be here in it. It used to be where my future lied. It used to comfort me, every night. It used to see everything in it.

I look through the vacant eyes. They are tired, empty. They used to light bright with my dreams. They used to be filed with ambition. I used to see everything through them.

I lace up. It is my drug of choice. My shoes carry me into my new high. The vacant space looks empty and cold as I run by. It now is only walls. It now exists without me. It's vacancy makes room for my dreams. The pavement, the fresh air, is where I exist. The sky is intoxicating. It is filled with possibilities, an unending faith. It comforts me again. My eyes burn bright with ideas, life fills them again. I see home and I see everything. I see everything in it...

In deep addiction,

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Change is gonna come

Change is gonna come.

1) Tomorrow I empty the store/ restaurant. By the end of the week, all will be complete. End of an era, beginning of a life!

2) I am swearing off of being the fixer. Yes, now. No longer the fixer. Fix your own damn problems. (ok, not everyone, just a few people have to fix their own... maybe)

3) Clean eating is back baby. No more of this crap to get me by. Food is fuel!

4) Former employer: no more Mrs. nice guy (ok, so Jeff is still nice and I am still his Mrs... but you get the point), time to pay up and shut up. You stepped on the wrong toes and have been in my life way too long. It's coming to an end and it's not in your favor.

5) Running is back on. Shin splints are better, Garmin is charging, and heart is ready to go.

6) If you screw up, clean up your own mess. I am now also removing myself from the role of cleaner. Retired.

7) Loving is back on. I love you, and I love you, and I love, well maybe not you, and...

8) Dogs, I am sorry I disappeared for the last two years. Fetch and catch is back and a trip to PetsMart, no shots this time!

9) Clean house is coming to my house... getting a dumpster, dumping the clutter, dumping the stuff. Time for a clean slate. Less is more.

10) Health, I'm feeling good and it's time to stay that way. Less stress, less meds, less junk, less baggage.

This week will be difficult, and then on to the life I've worked so hard to achieve.

In the last tenth,

Saturday, April 24, 2010

The Hangover

You know you're life is good when your Friday night fun leads to Saturday morning pain, and no alcohol or drug was involved. I have not been running as much as I'd like so my runs are harder again. I keep sucking that air and pushing as I can. My days are too many hours long and just keep knocking me down. That exhaustion makes me want to sit around when I do get an hour free. stubborn as I've become, I lace up my shoes and get right back up. My sleep then is restful and my body stronger for the next day. I think I've been enlightened...

In happiness,

Friday, April 23, 2010

Sweat out every tear

How do we prepare our children for life's disappointments? How do we prepare ourselves even?

I suppose that is a big part of this journey, training my body and mind to handle the ups and downs in a healthy manner, in a way that is not self destructive. In that, I need to make certain I am doing the same for my children. I have to be careful not to teach them to handle problems by making more problems. Food does not make it better, neither does hitting, neither does avoiding, neither does burying, or hating. I have to give them the right tools, so they don't have to spend half of their life fixing the damage.

My quest is not just for me, it is not just my journey. It is to teach my kids to do it right, while I still can. So I may hurt, I may be sad and disappointed, I may have too much on my plate, I may want to just sit here and feel sorry; but I won't. I'll lace up my shoes and exhaust every last muscle until I know I've done everything I can to change it. I will punch the bag to exhaust my anger; I will sweat out every tear. I will pound the pavement until my muscles shake. And when I'm done, I will have every opportunity open before me and see it clearly in my right mind. And I will help my kids do the same, tears and all.

In exhaustion,

Thursday, April 22, 2010


 At least once in your life, you must run in the rain.

Trust it.

In happiness,

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Learning to climb

 How many mountains do I have to move before I learn to climb?

My plate is full, my days are hectic. I remember the importance of time, time for me, time for my kids. Exhaustion doesn't help nurture that need... physically being in the room is not enough. I put all of me into everything I do; there is no middle; there is no half way. I miss being able to breathe without panic. I miss being able to rest without worry. I miss being able to just be.

The more that weighs on me, the more that weighs me down. It's as if I'd gained twenty pounds back, then another ten, and another. Despite my physical weight staying down, I am heavy. I pull myself out of this stress through each run. I find myself there and shed the baggage with each step. It catches back up to me though, as if I'd out ran it, still knowing it would eventually catch up once I stood still. It does, however, give me an  hour or so of freedom before it finds me again. That hour is my link to sanity. That is where I still exist.

I have to survive two more weeks of chaos. I have made decisions to get time back, to get me back. These choices didn't come easy, and getting to their results is like moving mountains. I think I may dig deep and find that bulldozer and knock them down. I do better with immediate results. I will then learn to climb, okay?

I am unpacking my backpack, emptying it all onto a table. I am only putting back in the necessary items, the items I choose to carry, the ones that make me happy. I didn't completely understand that movie Up in the Air... why not have it all in one bag? It hurts like hell to carry all this luggage.

In the bulldozer,

Monday, April 19, 2010

I am satisfied

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Everything you see as beautiful is truly just your opinion, your vision of the world around you. For instance, when I wake up at 4 am, the pitch black sky is ugly. Plain and simple, it is bleak, cold, uninviting, unending darkness that sucks. It was especially dreary this morning, after my four hours of sleep. But as my legs started to run, and my eyes opened, and my lungs filled with the crisp night air, and my skin tickled from the chilled breeze.... the night sky became beautiful. All at once, I saw the openness of that vast sea of stars. I saw an unending possibility to the day. That same sky that pierced my sleepy soul, became a beautiful vision of possibility.

Everything is beautiful after a run. A simple change in my perspective presents a new view of the world around me. The struggles haven't changed, the work is still unending, the run was still uphill, and the crisis of each day continues; but, I can see the beauty in the moment, the life before me as I live it. And that is a gift in itself...

My body is not that of a model in a magazine. My strength is not seen under the remaining fat. My size is bigger than that of the runners around me, of the soccer players behind me, and the hungry woman that judges me. My beauty is greater, and I see it.  My strength is greater, and I feel it... and I am very satisfied.

In happiness,

Sunday, April 18, 2010


I crawled, yes crawled, into my chair. I am exhausted...

Somedays the world is much bigger than me.

In my chair,

Saturday, April 17, 2010

So moved.

So moved...

We've taken a billion trips in two days between the storage sheds and shop, garage and storage, shop and home, and back again... It is bittersweet unbuilding the place I built with blood, sweat and tears. It is a relief to be moving forward, but a hardship in letting go. The days are just as long now, but with an end in sight. I am even getting back a little of who I am, as if owning this closure is helping me let go of so many heavy things. I've lifted and hauled and moved and crashed and fixed and.... I'm exhausted, to my core. My business stuff is so moved. More to come, more to go, but lots done.

I've taken a billion steps running on the streets, training my new clients, at my new job. I love every minute of it. The early morning is no burden and I love the potential of that moment. It is pitch black when my day starts, cool and silent, with the world in front of me. I am even lucky enough to run in the sunrise, and share that joy with others who need to find that light inside them. This experience of change, this transformation in me, and around me, is a matter of choice. Although it feels fantastic to be me, and find what I love, it is tiring.  I've planned and pushed and trained and explained and... I'm exhausted, to my bones. My body is so moved. More to come, more to go, but lots done.

My friend's taken a billion bad things in my day and turned them all around with one single gracious gesture. You see, when it came time to run my half marathon last Sunday morning, all my training didn't matter as my body didn't cooperate and I laid in bed fighting a stomach virus. This disappointing moment, adding to the misery of being sick, made for a very unhappy beginning of the week. By the time I had made myself completely pissed off by Monday afternoon, I decided I had to run my 13.1 by myself or I'd always regret it and beat myself up over it. So I did it; my own half marathon just a day after my goal. My friend rewarded this journey with the best half marathon medal I've ever seen. You see, she altered the medal from the race the day before, one she earned, and made it so it now says April 12th (one day later than the original date), and awarded it to me, for my long race alone. She gifted me her love and respect in that beautiful gesture. In my run, I struggled and cried and pushed and dug harder and wanted to quit and endured... I'm exhausted, to my soul. My spirit is so moved. More to come, more to go, but lots done.

In hope,

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Still standing

Running sucks today. It's hot, my shins hurt, and I'm exhausted.

But I did it anyway... and it sucked. But my evening is relaxed now and all the major stress of the day is not burying me in anger!

I am angry still, don't get me wrong. Everything is a little on edge to say the least. But I have refrained the urge to kill today and am still standing. Others, maybe not so much, but I am.

Sometimes that is as all you get... and it gives you greater appreciation for tomorrow.

In pain,

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Clarity is peace and hope.

I saw the sunrise this morning... I was driving, actually, not running. I was going between physical training client appointments and driving the back roads between two local towns. It was beautiful. There were no words, no songs, no thoughts. I had the entire day ahead of me; I had already worked for a few hours. I loved the chill of the morning air and the warmth of the sun, the glare on my window as I turned through the countryside. The wide open fields just screamed freedom and I felt like I had found home. I love training. I love the mornings. And I love this day. I even squeezed in my own workout before heading to the shop.

I worked all day in the heat, moving furniture to sell, preparing the restaurant for a large evening event, arranging the shop, hauling from here to there... just an exhausting long day with no breaks.

Tonight, I watched the sunset. We held a beautiful dinner event at the restaurant for a wonderful group of ladies. This was one of our last private events before we close the kitchen for good at the end of the month. As I approached my 16th hour of work, I sat on the bench outside the restaurant to cool down a bit and watched the trail end of the sunset. The night air was soothing to my skin after working in the heat of the shop. I was sad in seeing the sunset on the restaurant, while watching the faces of so many favorite customers enjoying a meal together. My dear friend, that I wouldn't even know without this place, sat in the window listening to the guest speaker. She turned to look out at us, and gave a small wave. And it hit me that this is goodbye. And the sadness that we all feel is real, and the end of this journey has come.

I am glad I had this day. I am exhausted, to say the least, and as I finish this I am finishing my 18th hour of work, non-stop. And it is complete. I was able to do every aspect of all of my jobs today. And I realize it isn't possible to do this again. This is my limit. And I realize the choice I made was the right choice, with the sunrising on my new path and setting on the past. I am suffering the physical pain of doing it all, but am peaceful emotionally, for the first time in a long time.

Exhaustion can cause clarity... especially pushing through the pain; and clarity is peace and hope.

In the sunrise,


Tuesday, April 13, 2010


The goal has to always be to improve your quality of life. Raise your awareness, your happiness, your hope. Other goals will come and go, but this goal always remains and will be the constant on this journey.

In happiness,

Monday, April 12, 2010

Half it

No half marathon for me Sunday morning... bad timing for a blood sugar drop and night of illness. So I ran this morning... and I ache... and I ache.

That sums it up. I loved the run, loved the half journey, loved it having to do it on my own and challenge myself from missing the race, hate it now 15 hours later with the tight calves and sore hips...

The love hate relationship is always the greatest emotions...

In pain,

Saturday, April 10, 2010

One moment to breathe.

Yesterday, I ran through an emotional half marathon, in closing down half of my business.

Tomorrow, I run the half marathon, for the first time in three years.

Today, I rest in recovery for what lies behind me and the miles of hills ahead.

In the middle,


William Ernest Henley.


OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Into the Great Wide Open

So... your adventures are over. 

Oh no! To live, to live would be an awfully big adventure.

I do not have the right words to express our gratitude for the experience and time in our restaurant. We have been gifted with so many wonderful new people we would have never known. The blessings were so overwhelming, even without a tangible gain, we gain an immeasurable amount of wealth from this experience. Many tears were shed by those who loved our little place and we will miss each of you just as much... but my heart is full. Our time is right to move forward and our lives are forever changed for the better.

I started my day at 4 am, I went to my new clients, loved every minute of training and then got my ass handed to me trying to wait on the enormous crowd of supporters at the shop. Even with an hour wait, so many waited happily and enjoyed the food that remained to serve them. It was a blessed day at the shop and so much love filled the room. After a bit of a break, I headed to soccer and had a great game despite some exhaustion. My kids got to watch, my Mom and Aunt came too, and as we started the game I realized my favorite soccer coach from High School was refereeing our game. I had not seen this man in 18 years! What a day for such an incredible surprise!

I was blessed today in so many ways. Fate, God, however you look at it, everything fell into place. The radio kept playing the perfect songs, nearly all of our regular customers happened to come by today not knowing it would be the last chance - just feeling like they wanted to come in, and my Aunt who worked so hard to help us open had the day off and helped us close. I have so many gifts from this place, but my relationship with her has to be the greatest gift I could ever imagine. All the friends I have found again, all the new friends we've made... it is all just... it is perfect.

I have always loved the movie HOOK with Robin Williams... and that movie, of all things, gave me peace today. And I share my peace with you as I am on my way, second star to the right and straight on till morning...

You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you. That's where I'll be waiting.

In to the great wide open,

Thursday, April 8, 2010


I will make this brief.

Today we officially decided to close our restaurant, tomorrow. Every emotion possible is going on at once. I would be happy to stuff my face full of food and bury all the crazy, but instead went for a run, and a walk, then a little reflection, now on to moving forward.

I am off to bed, with my alarm set for 4 am... with my running shoes and clothes ready to go. Starting my day with some personal training clients, giving me a great start to what will be a hard day...  I will go through this very difficult transition with my head on straight and my feet flying! And for those on the training schedule for tomorrow with me, be prepared to push harder than ever before. I'm focused... anything is possible.

In closure,

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The bridge.

"Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment" - Jim Rohn

I have learned to write down my goals, to give them out to the openness to help with accountability. I have learned that I will not reach every goal, and every attempt is not successful, but an accomplishment is achieved none the less. I have the discipline to go after them, and continue towards them until I am exhaustingly certain they are not the right ones for me... and I replace them with new ones, and sweat across the bridge again.

In happiness,

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

My plate of emotions...

My family is always celebrating with food. Really good food, high in carbs, high in fat, high in portions.

I want to break the cycle, but never do. I fall back in with them and accept the excuses we share for not changing. When my knee was scrapped, ice cream made it better. When my heart was broke, my favorite meal was in order. Birthday? Let's eat. Lost tooth? Let's eat. Painted the living room? Let's eat. Not that I can blame my family for where I am or where I was, but I can hold myself responsible for continuing the trend. I can change it for my kids and myself. It's hard, but I'm ready. It's time.

I'm not sure my family will be wanting to come over next Easter for a healthy light meal and a nice walk. I don't expect Christmas to exist without the forty pounds of sugary treats. But I can not eat it, not put it into my mouth. I will do it and they can support, or stay out of the way. It's time. These runs hurt when loaded down with weight, of every kind, and I love my runs more than that food. Fast food = Fat Ass. Processed= Weakness. High fat= Heart Attack.

I'm ready to live my life my way. It's time to celebrate my family, without the buffet.

In happiness,

Monday, April 5, 2010

Bring your own puke bucket.

I am returning to what I love. With some heartache and sadness, I've decided to move away from what I worked so hard to build the past two years because my dreams and happiness lie elsewhere. I've done a lot to take care of others, and put them first, now I'm putting my heart into my own happiness. By the end of this month, I will be doing what I love again... and I am happy with my choice.

Getting up off my ass and running, exercising, changing my diet, is not only changing my waistline, it has changed my life. I have the desire and drive to get things done again. I have the faith in myself to let go and see what I love, find my way. I am so grateful for that...

Enough with the sweetness though, back to my point...

I am going back to personal training. I loved it before, got away from it, and I find it is where I thrive. Someone once said that when you find a job you love that you never work a day in your life. I love running. I love working out. I love Arbonne, organics, nutrition, and motivating people...  I love to coach, and I love to help... so that's what I'm going to do. I am going to work on sharing my drive with others and helping them reach their goals too... even though I'm only half way to mine! There are no excuses for not doing what you love, now.

So here are the rules for my clients (which I already have begun to take... my final license test to renew is at the end of the month so get in fast before I'm booked!!) in case you'd like to follow along and use some of the rules for your journey:

1) You must have a medical release.

2) You must keep a food journal. If you eat it, claim it, make it worth it. When  I read it back to you in the middle of your hardest cardio... will it fuel you or add to your puke bucket?

3) You must take your measurements and weight, then only weigh every two weeks, measure every four. If you weigh outside of these times, I will write QUITTER on your forehead in black marker, because you will not succeed and you will not finish, might as well save you and me the time.

4) You must do homework on your days off. If you are not educated, you are not liberated. And homework includes studying how quickly you sweat out two pounds in one session from the at home workout time.... And you do have time for this, if you have excuses in your head already, you probably need help the most.

5) You must have written goals: A weekly goal, Monthly, and a big picture goal.... a weight is not a goal.

6) If you miss a session, you will still pay full price and be thankful I didn't charge you double. I reserve the right to charge you double for putting up with your lazy ass.

7) Bring your own water, towel, and sunscreen. You will be laying out, soaking wet, but it will not be from the pool or tanning.

8) Do not cry. I hate crying; It is stupid... if it is hard, get mad and work harder. I have special ears that can't hear whining....Yes this hurts. Think of Pavlov's dogs, only pain makes the doughnut taste like shit. It trains you to save your own life.

9) If you didn't puke, you didn't work hard enough. Bring your own puke bucket, every time. And if it's full, dump it and get back on the treadmill. Bone popping through the skin is not an injury, it is just a need for duct tape, so don't even think of claiming injury as an excuse. (True injuries will be acknowledged and alternative workouts can be used., it is not a way out).

10) You will not get injured... we will work in a manner that your body can handle. Your brain may not believe it, you may not believe it, but you will succeed. You will have the best life you've ever imagined.

In demand,

Sunday, April 4, 2010

This little light of mine.

Despite the differences in our daily lives, we all know how it feels for life to spit you out. And I know, as well as anyone reading this, life too easily gets in the way of our best intentions. Withstanding the downpour of spit now raining on my parade, I choose to continue on my quest... I have two days this week I have not shared with you, although they remain written on this wall. As time passes, I will share these, but for now I share only my thoughts this evening. No matter you're battle, for health, for happiness, for abilities, for cures, for strength, for courage, for smaller waistlines...

For those of us on the journey, no matter what battle we fight:

I have walked behind you. I have wanted to be you. I even learned to walk beside you, many times down the same path. But for a few years now, since we have chosen different roads, I've walked alone. I no longer want to be you, but want to find me. As we all discover as we age, the ideal became human and the desires become our own. My path is my choice now and what lies in it, it seems, I place before me. I have often found my trail covered in thorns, with rough terrain under foot... but I have always been able to see the road ahead from the multitude of light shining in. Seeing the path before me allows me to continue to run, to give me strength to fight through it. I am grateful to run down my chosen road in the warmth of this light...

However, your path seemed so much easier to me. I believed your terrain was smooth, with patched holes to ease your steps, even free of thorns. I envied that; I felt slighted by it. Why mine had so many obstacles to cross, so many scars to bear... what I did not understand is that your path is too is hardened, only yours by darkness at every turn. Your obstacles were around you blocking the lights that shine for you. I never knew that others struggled as I did because I could not see your path from mine. I see now that both are hard. You stand alone in the darkness, and I keep running through thorns. And even as we find moments of peace, ways to escape, we find that when we return, the hills we climb got steeper and so did those of people we love...

I now stand ahead of you, holding my light, desperately wanting to help you see where you want to go, desperately wanting to be able to find you when my thorns cut too deep. I realize your path is not big enough for two... but we could go together through the pain of a path in the light, facing our fears and doing what is hard to find happiness in it's warmth.

Know that whatever you choose, I will be pulling for you to find your way, just as you do for me. I'll stand by you; I'll love you. And whatever you choose, my light will shine for you...

In the glimmer ahead,

Friday, April 2, 2010

You will not.

If you do not eat food that fuels your body, you will not:

1) Feel good
2) Be happy
3) Have energy
4) Perform
5) Get better
6) Want to
7) Play well with others
8) Look healthy
9) Get stronger
10) live.

In health,