Saturday, October 2, 2010

Pieces of me

I am scared. I don't share that much. I like to be funny or strong, but not scared. However, I have not been able to run for the last few days since my neck has swollen severely and my windpipe is being squeezed from the mass. This could be many things, but as a survivor, I know what it is. I will go in on Monday to have more tests. I will sit quietly in the chair and wait my turn for the MRI. I will keep my composure as I sit for the lab tech to take ten vials of blood. And then I will go home, smile at my kids and go about the next few days, just having a cold, and keeping my head up. But I will be terrified. I will be filled with tears sitting just beneath that same mass, both stuck somewhere they should not be. Sometime, in the middle of the night, I will get up and cry myself to sleep on the floor, where no one can hear and everyone can be okay. This is just how it is. And it makes me okay to do it this way.

Don't worry. I am not alone in this. I am never alone. But sometimes, in some places in your life, no one can go with you and nothing can make it better. Time will pass and I will find myself on the other end, able to breathe one way or another. I will be back on the streets running and training and this will all be behind me. But I know that too many others have been here, and will be here, to not share it with you.

 It is okay for me to be afraid. You don't need to fix it for me or even say it'll be okay. Just let me breathe, wherever it is that I find air. Be the best kind of friend to me by honoring your own health and treating your body with grace and simple kindness.  Love me without fear and without sadness. I am alive and will keep living everyday until I do not, and that is no different than you. And most importantly, do not empathize, or sympathize, with my situation. Just let me draw strength on your shoulder when I cannot stand straight, and use my own two legs until I start to lean.

As for tonight, well, I couldn't go for a run as I would have liked. However, I was able to take both of my sons, my brother, and my husband to see my favorite band. My kids now love them just as much as I do. I never thought I'd get to share that with them. No, not because I'd be dead you morbid freaks, but because the band broke up long ago. But fate and karma being as it is, the band is back and the timing was perfect for my boys to get to share this concert with me, on this never ending weekend.

I don't know what will come of all this; I just know that all is in order, all has come full circle now. My kids have been given a piece of me through this band. A piece of me that couldn't be seen any other way. My husband and I have more love than I've ever thought could exist, and I am so very happy. Some things are this small, and this simple, and this perfect. And when I'm on the floor, on the operating table, back in the chemo room, or back running the streets, I'll have NWS back on my ipod, giving me my happy place... flooding memories of everything good in my life, past and present. And those memories are what let me know that whatever it may be, I can handle the future.

In strength, love, and happiness,


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