Monday, May 17, 2010

What weighs me down...

I apologize for disappearing so much lately. My Uncle became seriously ill and we thought we lost him this weekend. He isn't out of the woods yet, but he is out of his coma and speaking for short periods of time as of this morning. I am so thankful for any small moments with him.

I hate to see my family suffering. And I hate even more that so much of this was brought upon ourselves. My family, although unspoken, is full of overweight and unhealthy people, including me. I am working hard to change that, but struggle daily with my relationship with food. I still have mountains to climb in my weight loss and as many of you know, when you get to losing it right, it comes off slower and slower.

I see addictions killing too many people I love. Even those still here with me, they aren't here; they are not involved in life. Their addictions consume and destroy them. It is hard for everyone around you when you are an addict of any kind, including food. I looked around the ICU and sadly saw all severely obese individuals. It is beyond an epidemic, and sadly it is killing us.

I ran a little harder today. I ate a little better. I choose not to have a beer with my husband, but instead to get my water and head to my computer to write out the worry, the pain. Instead of burying it, instead of eating it, I ran it out and set it down. I am humbled by the all consuming sadness that creates obesity. I am humbled by my own struggles, and that of my family, as we've passed it silently from generation to generation. A good long look in the mirror would certainly go a long way. We all need to stop seeing who want to be, and start being who we want to be.

The longer we wait to change, the more days that you put between you and tomorrow, the less days you have. Your chances will be up and your body will give out. Those that love you will be left with your pain. You will feed them your guilt, your shame, your compulsions, your addiction, and we will bear that cross for the rest of our lives. It may kill you, but it never dies.

I make the pain end in my generation. I am taking myself out of the chain; I am making a new future for my kids. New habits, new lifestyles, and a new ending.

On the road less traveled by,


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