Monday, February 15, 2010

Come back to me...

So yesterday was Valentines Day. And I went for an evening run, in the snowfall of the cold winter air, to reflect on the love in my life. But I couldn't focus on good. I thought about the people who don't have love. The problems we all face in our relationships as we challenge each other and grow. I thought about those people in my life that are without love, or with it, but empty in it. Those who search so hard for perfection that never find it. I thought about the times I've been empty in love in my own life. I thought about jealousy, and how it can eat you alive. I thought about how I run from love, over and over again in my life. I ran last night as if running away from frustrations, disappointments, and pain, because sometimes loving someone can hurt. Trusting them and putting everything you are into the hands of another is terrifying. I felt last night that all my work to get happy just can't happen fast enough. Bad days still happen and I don't want that. All that baggage we bring with us still weighs me down. I still fight insecurities that make me want to give up. I had so much on my mind last night, I couldn't find a single thought to focus on. So tonight I reflect on those thoughts, and try to find enlightenment in them.

I started this journey to get to find myself again physically. I wanted to see my own body, as it should be. I wanted to be able to look in the mirror and see me again. I want my kids to know me as the strong woman I am, not the overwhelmed Mom I became. This journey now turns me inward, to finding myself emotionally even more than physically. Sometimes this heightened emotion gets the best of me. Being walled in and hidden under layers can be so much easier. I can just be a smart ass, I can justify problems because of what I'm not, I can accept being ignored or overlooked. I can hide with everyone else when something hurts me, and laugh at things that aren't really funny because that's what we do when we're uncomfortable. I can justify not believing in myself, or expecting more out of my life. And now, I'm somewhere in between. I'm not fully confident in who I am yet. I am not hidden anymore either. And I am no longer accepting good enough, but not sure how to go about saying I expect better without having to have perfection.

I am a perfectionist, and that is not good. It is not healthy. All this inward focus has shown me how this part of me has left me abandoned and empty too many times in my life. Can't be the best? Quit. Make a mistake? See ya! Gain a few pounds? Well, might as well not even try. Not perfect? Not for me... And unfortunately, healing this part of my life seems to be much harder than I could ever have imagined. Finding this problem as a deeply rooted part of my foundation is a big step in the right direction. I just may need a root canal to fix it...

David Cook sings a great song that I never paid much attention to... and now it seems to be haunting me everywhere I go. It's lyrics state "when you find you, come back to me..." Although by each others side for over 8 years now, I am finally, now, coming back to my husband. It's always been good with us, but it's never been this. This is so much bigger than anything I could have imagined feeling in my life. So much so that even writing my thoughts yesterday seemed too hard to put down into words.  I have a great love with my husband, but it, like all good love stories, has it's faults. But our passion and strength can be found in this conflict, and that passion and strength is unstoppable. I love that my husband accepts my crazy days along with my sane. I can be so angry, so upset, so irrational, and he can still love me in the end of the day. And the craziest part of that is even with his crazy days, and even with any faults, I still love him at the end of the day. He gives me strength, and he gives me love, he gives me friendship, and respect. He gives me his time for my dreams, my work. He gives me faith in other people. He gives me trust. He gives... He gives and gives to me, and so many times I don't acknowledge how much that is... I find myself to preoccupied with perfection, with expecting it to be given, rather than seeing the beauty in the gift...

Jeff and I went on a long journey to get here. And when I knew better who I was, many years ago, I let him go. And I told him when he found himself, he should come back to me... and that's just we he did. Little did I know that so many years later, I would need him to do the same. I don't need to leave, or give this up to do it this time. He is my rock and my sanity, and he is a crucial part of who I am. He encourages my journey, and gives me space and time to to run, to think, and to grow. He is part of me, and finding him in this helps me put all the pieces together.

I'm finding me, and I'm coming back to you... and I promise, this time, I'll stay.

In time,

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