Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I am far from perfect...

One on one time for my husband and I comes with a price, a steep price. Although we took just a brief two day trip, we will be paying for it for weeks, minimum. Living with a child with emotional issues is extremely difficult on a family. Talking about this problem is never acceptable either. And that hurts, so I am talking, taking my life in my hands for the sake of my own mental health. For my stepson, his entire universe is his father. And the slightest bit of attention taken away from that, the roof blows off... Anything I do, even if I baked my stepson his own chocolate cake, it would be wrong. He would figure I was trying to poison him, just to be able to create drama and attention. I have learned to stay out of the way with him. Exactly what I hate doing. I want to fix everything for him and make his life happy. I so desperately want to fix him, and not just for him, for selfish reasons too, despite knowing which is the wrong way to handle someone with special needs. No one can fix the problems. Many of his issues are handled at the expense of everyone around him. The wear and tear on my marriage has at many times seemed unsurpassable. My other children do not get to have as much Father son time as they'd like, because many times Daddy is away from us for what can be hours at a time, handling my stepson.

My husband graciously took on the responsibility of raising this young man. My stepson has no where else to go at this point. And it is hard every single day with him here. There are not good days that make it better or to see some kind of improvement. It is always hard and the only improvement may be a day where no one has to cry. I see love and compassion in this young man, and I see a truly sweet soul. He doesn't show it to me very often especially since I am a direct interference with his Dad time and attention. But I do see it, and I know he is so very loving with people that don't get that anywhere else. I hope that someday someone can find a way to help him relate to others without disabilities in a healthy manner, to share time with those he loves and not feel abandoned. I hope that one day he can be independent, not to free myself of a burden, but to give him the life he deserves. That I truly feel. Each day I am more concerned that this may never happen. His reality is so far from the truth.

Many times it is hard to step away, and not look in anger at the life we have been handed. It is hard to not resent my stepson, or have anger towards him. Somedays I am not sure I can even take another day. My husband makes all of it worthwhile. I just wish I could be stronger to be helpful to him. I step aside as much as possible now, understanding that my "help" only hurts the situation. The more I am around and involved, the more jealous and desperate my stepson becomes. That simply results in dangerous, miserable situations in our home.

I want to end this blog by sharing with you how blessed we are, and how strong I am.. but it isn't how I feel.Honestly, I feel saddened by this aspect of life. It hurts me to be hated so much by him, and to never be able to help. It hurts me to see the pain of the hard decisions and the exhaustion of the days events. I can hide from this, and protect my kids from it, by working at the shop and going for runs. But my husband has this responsibility all the time, no help from the Mom, no relatives to help keep my stepson.

So for all of you facing hard situations, you are not alone. I hope anyway, that I am not a bad person for not feeling warm and fuzzy for the blessings of this extreme challenge. It is hard. I wish it weren't and I gradually am accepting it for what it is. Loving my husband through this struggle, and learning to not make it worse. At least I have running as such a great outlet for all this stress, all this pain. I need to head out on the road again, in the bitter cold, to help warm my soul.

~In hope,

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