Sunday, February 7, 2010

Finding soul food...

 I wasn't home but a few minutes before life came right back.. all the stresses, all the drama. That makes it hard to stay focused and positive. But I won't let go of this great feeling, no matter how hard life tries to suck it out of me. Tonight I didn't run to escape the problems, not physically or in the car. And I didn't push to make everything okay. I let go. I put trust in my partner's ability to take care of the drama. I sat in the next room supporting him in spirit and for once, not trying to take it over.

Tonight, instead of getting pulled into it all, I planned my next few months of races. I even found myself disheartened on the weekends that didn't list an event! As if someone stole my favorite toy... And it isn't just planning to run that made me happy, it is planning the "me" time. What is the point of everyday if not to use that day to do what you love? I remember how it felt to not have anything to make me feel alive... nothing to get excited about. Now I have soccer and running to look forward to and feed my addictions. We all need to feed our souls. Food never fulfills that role. And now that my soul is happy...Drama is no longer needed. No arguing out of boredom, no depression. No more counting food as an event. No more pity parties, no more jealousy. No more insecurities. No more of what made my life unhappy.

If I may ask something of you, I ask that you please find what you love. It doesn't have to be what I love. But you need to have something. Something you love, just for you. Your life isn't going to happen one day. Your life is happening today. And I hear so often, even in my own head, that one day I'm going to do ____________. One day I'll have _________. One day ______________.

Think hard. Really, truly, what happened today that made that goal closer? What did you do today to make one day happen? What did you make of today, this one day, that made you happy?

I can't be great everyday. No one can. I can't always feel like running, being nice, hopeful, or even inspiring. But I can try to feel that way everyday. I can find the strength to at least try.

Today I had to get up. I had to breathe in and out. I had to eat. I had to think. Tomorrow, the same thing. I might as well make it worthwhile. Use those necessary actions to make my life better.  The drama and stresses in my home will always be here. There is no magic cure for my stepson's emotional issues. There are no magic cures that puts a million in the bank. Like Yoda says, the force needs balance. As my friend said, you can't appreciate the good without knowing the bad. As my six year old said, somedays it's hard to not fight on the playground.

~In happiness,

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