Breathe again...

I think of a time when I was younger, thinner, sexier, healthier. I run and I think, "How did that escape me?" I remember running and feeling the pure joy of my steps. The distance never mattering and the turns offering excitement, not worry. My deepest thoughts on those runs involved my outfit for the evening out and which way to wear my hair. My body could do anything then. It could stop a room. It could conquer any obstacle, beat any challenge, push the limits of life. I miss that body. I wonder how and when it was that I let it go. I want a date, like October 24, 2005. That would make it much easier to accept, by finding blame. No matter who or what I blame for the past or for today, I chose to hide my body, to bury it under the fury of my life with fat. How do I stop doing that?

I know how to stop now. I woke up and realized something amazing. Peaking out from under my pale, lightly freckled thigh was this beautiful, sleek, strong muscle line. In that moment, I understood that my beautiful, strong body is still here! It was buried, long buried, under sadness and pain. I did that. I took that body away and now, I am bringing it back. Only I can undo the damage.

Whatever layers are covering you up, start shedding them. It was hard to bury myself that deep. It took years. And it will be just as hard to dig my way out. But I know I'm doing it with this incredibly strong body, from the inside out. It can push as hard as I need for it to get to the surface. It's time for me to breathe again.

~In happiness,
Beth