Friday, January 22, 2010

Only I know...

I pushed back tonight. I crashed through the wall full force. I played the entire soccer game, running, sprinting the field to cover both ends. Just like my life. I came off the field after playing the entire game to no accolades, no good job, no pat on the back. Just like my life. I have to learn to be enough all by myself. I have to find strength in knowing I did a good job. Not just my best, but the ability to believe that what I do is great, without anyone else telling me.

 No one else can feel the pain, the drive, the determination. No one else can understand the force of the pain as my laces touch the ball. No one else can smell the blood as I breathe in with each step. No one else can see the field from where I am, the play as I come to it, the vast sea of blue shirts coming for my ball. No one else can taste the sweat dripping from my lip, my hunger for the game. No one else can hear the sound of the stagnant air as my body breaks through its silence, the grunt of the player as the struggle escalates, the anger as I step away with the ball. No one else on that field played the game I played. Only I know my game.

So I sit on my pedestal, always wavering, hoping for the accolade, the reassurance, the attention that tells me I'm still on it. Tonight, I gladly stand on that pedestal, take a giant leap of the edge, and land my two feet on the ground. As I stand with my feet in the grass, I am happy. I never liked heights anyway.

~In happiness,

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