The tracks of my tears...

I cried a lot today. I am not a crier, mind you. I take a licking and keep on ticking. But this evening, I just stopped trying to hold it together for a few minutes and took a good, long cry alone in my room. You see, I'm working on actually feeling all types of emotions. Oh, of course I am the sweetest, most loving and emotional open person in the world... some of you that I have crushed know better. (Still sorry!). And I'm sure my sarcasm in this blog never gives me away... For tonight, my kids wondered where Mommy went for a while and my husband, well I'm sure he felt helpless. But he checked on me, and after a while he sat quietly listening, and when I needed to hear it most, he wrapped his arms around me and said nothing more than it sucks and that's he's here with me. I didn't need to be told everything would be okay, or that anyone is sorry. I don't need anyone else to feel sad, or bad, or sorry. I need to be allowed to feel that myself, without letting anyone else down. I do understand now that my husband is a person who makes me better, in so many ways. I have battled him on that for so long. Needing people has never been my strong suit. Notice I still have my maiden name. He has managed to stick it out with me though, and for that, he does deserve an award. What a shame that I have missed this part of my life for so long...

 My tears tonight came from missing a good friend that I lost a long time ago, that I never figured out how to mourn for in the right way. So often I feel him with me, especially when life gets too overwhelming. Even today, I know I have connected with him so intensely, through too many coincidences or "signs" as crazy people say. Telling you this puts me in the crazy category but I did say all honesty here. I am lost in this emotion, as I try to grasp it all. I don't need to elaborate on why he was on my mind, because everyday, at some point, he is.. it usually is just in a happy way. I don't dwell on this loss, but it is an impact on me and even more I am grateful for the impact of his friendship. Tonight I didn't get to go for a run, instead we had a soccer game. (Soccer is my addiction, and I always want to play. Just check my facebook status any given Sunday). Without my sanity saving run, and all these emotions pouring out of eyes through this weird wet stuff, I was in bad shape. I don't remember being on the field for most of the game. I pushed myself into focusing on the game for about two minutes of the forty I was on the field. So first, sorry teammates for not playing to my ability. And second, I should have found time to run to get my head together before playing the game. And finally, yes, I was awesome during those two minutes...

I am grasping that emotions aren't always bad. So many times I have avoided them. Running away from too much of any emotion worked well for me. Now learning to run in the emotions is my new challenge. God help everyone and everything in my path...

So tonight, here's to finding happiness in the tracks of our tears.

With love (big word there!)

~ Beth